Disclaimer: I Wish I Could Lie
A prologue for what’s to come.
Oh Bob. will feature memoir-style writing, based almost entirely on things as they are stored in my head. While I have no plans to make anything up, I should warn you that not everything recorded in my brain over the years as fact is actually true.
I know this because I spent around a decade of my early life believing that I had appeared onstage with Keith Harris and Orville. I was four or five years old and it was during a live show at the Spa Pavilion theatre in Felixstowe.
I distinctly remember sitting on the dark red, carpeted seats three quarters of the way back in the auditorium enjoying the show before being beckoned to the stage with the flap of a bright green wing.
Rattling with nerves and excitement I made my way to the front where I was instructed to climb up and sit beside man and bird on a wooden trunk. Keith and Orville sparkled in the blinding lights of the stage while singing their most famous hit 'Orville's Song (I Wish I Could Fly)' to me.
When the song came to an end and the applause died down, Keith presented me with a badge featuring a picture of him and his ornithological child on a blue background. Delighted, I left the stage and returned to my seat to be greeted by the beaming smiles of my mum, dad and sister.
For years, I held on to that badge and each time I looked at it, I would remember my moment in the spotlight alongside the legends of light entertainment. That was until one day in my early teens when I mentioned it during dinner conversation with my family.
Their blank looks eventually gave way to laughter while the world as I knew it slowly crumbled around me. At first I thought it might be a cruel joke they had somehow planned in advance, knowing I would inevitably bring the highlight of my childhood up at some point. Unfortunately, as the conversation continued back and forth, it soon became clear that they were as surprised that I thought I had been on stage with Keith and Orville as I was that I hadn’t.
We definitely went to see Keith Harris and Orville but I had never gone up on the stage with them.
The more upset I became about this revelation, the more hilarious my family found it. I refused to accept their supposed truth. I’m not sure I really have even now.
Admittedly there were no photographs but that was easily explained. You couldn’t just charge into a show of such calibre with a camera, taking pictures willy nilly, in the pre-smartphone era. In any case, I had evidence. I had the badge. A gift direct from Keith's spare hand.
I’m not sure exactly how I came to be so convinced that this event actually happened. The most likely explanation seems to be that my onstage appearance occurred in a subsequent dream and reality and fantasy fused together in my brain as a single real memory.
While this is an extreme example of my mind playing tricks on me, let it serve as a warning that anything you read here will be based on information as it is saved in my brain. There are no diaries or journals to call upon for verification. This is a writing project, not a research one.
Having said that, if you went to see Keith Harris and Orville at the Spa Pavilion in the late eighties and remember a young boy called Bobby being serenaded on stage, please do get in touch. I have questions.
In addition to more writing a bit like this, Oh Bob. will feature some pop culture nonsense and the odd recommendation.